Intimacy and Sexual Avoidance

“ 'Intimacy Avoidance' refers to conduct and attitudes that serve to avoid or block sexual, emotional, or spiritual connection with others, ourselves or our Higher Power. Many sex addicts compulsively avoid their feelings or have difficulty being emotionally vulnerable with others. When this intimacy avoidance becomes focused on anything to do with sex, it's sometimes called 'acting in.' ” (Intimacy Avoidance: Another Aspect of Sex Addiction)

“For some of us, the compulsive avoidance of sex and intimacy became a destructive pattern, dominating our thoughts and actions. We may always have felt unable or unwilling to be sexual. Or we may have experienced periods of feeling “shut down” alternating with other periods of sexual acting out.” (Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2nd ed., p. 6)

“Some might wonder, 'How can I be a sex addict if I never have sex?' 'Practicing avoidance of sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors,' as well as having 'obsessive sexual thoughts (about having sex and/or avoiding it)' are common symptoms of the compulsive sexual avoidance side of sex addiction. This is also known as sexual anorexia or 'acting in.' ” (Intimacy Avoidance: Another Aspect of Sex Addiction)

“The physical urges and the mental preoccupation with sex and fantasy that we experience with sex addiction can take many forms, ranging from the compulsive avoidance of all things sexual to acting out sexually with others. Behaviors like escaping into fantasy while being physical with a committed partner, using pornography, or jumping from one relationship to another might be symptoms of both acting out and acting in." (Introduction To The Intimacy And Sexual Avoidance Aspect Of Sex Addiction)

• Do you practice avoiding sexual thoughts, feelings or behaviors?

• Do you obsess about either having sex or avoiding it?

• Do you think sexuality is inherently bad or something to be ashamed about?

• Do you consistently ignore flirtation and sexual advances from others, purely based on fear?

• Are you drawn to unavailable people?

• Do you swing between addictive behavior (acting out) and avoidance behavior (acting in)?

• Are you afraid to combine emotional intimacy with sexuality?

• Do you start fights with your partner to avoid sexual relations?

• Are you emotionally unavailable?

• Do you only associate with people in large groups to avoid intimacy?

• Do you avoid social situations due to extreme discomfort?

• Are you sexual only in non-intimate situations?

• Do you have a hard time accepting nurturing?

• Do you resist trusting others out of concern for personal safety?

• Do you compulsively use masturbation, fantasy, and/or pornography?

• Do you mistake compulsive sexual avoidance for recovery?

• Have you been told you live in a fantasy world?

• Do you hide the joys and pains of your life from trusted friends or your partner due to self-pity, false pride and/or fear?

If any of these questions resonate with you, you’re invited to join an intimacy-focused meeting of SAA to learn more. (Intimacy Avoidance: Another Aspect of Sex Addiction)

Intimacy and Sexual Avoidance (ISA) meetings are SAA meetings that have a general focus on recovering from aspects of sex addiction such as the avoidance of intimacy, closeness, and/or sex.

"Members who want to stop objectifying people may experience the mixed-gender intimacy-focused SAA meetings as a safe place to hear other human beings talking about their feelings, needs, challenges, and triumphs in recovery. Those with sexual trauma may appreciate experience, strength, and hope from members who are learning to love their bodies and treat them with respect or practicing using their voices and setting boundaries to keep themselves safe as an amend to themselves, and experiencing less fear of others as they apply the spiritual principles of the program. Some ISA-focused telemeetings and video meetings tend to have attendees from all over the world, so a variety perspectives and experiences are shared.

Sharing in ISA meetings may bring insights into some of the less-talked-about nuances of sex addiction. People whose compulsive sexual behavior is more solitary may resonate with what is shared in avoidance recovery-focused meetings. Someone who is afraid to be sexual may hear ideas for simple, less-threatening ways they can begin to open themselves to connection with a Higher Power that heals both compulsive sexual avoidance and acting out" (Intimacy-Focused Meetings).